This is my first blog to ever write, so bare with me. I am at the start of a very long journey....to find myself and love....I am hoping that writing how I am feeling through this process will help with outbursts that I am having...I will try to write what I am feeling instead of lash out on whoever may be around....so this is how I am feeling today.....
Today is one of my low days...sometimes, on my good days, I don't realize how bad my "bad" days really are...so I thought I would start my blog today. Ok...here goes....I feel like a monster. I never smile, laugh, have fun...I feel like I am unlovable...I know I wouldn't love me. In fact, I hate the person I have become. I always imagined what it would be like to be a mother. I looked forward to it and felt like that's what God put me on this Earth to do, be a wife and mother...so why do I suck at it soooo much?! Why am I always so angry? I have four of the best kids and half the time, I can't stand to be around them!! What is wrong with me?!? I love my kids and I know I love my kids, but it is so hard for me to.....be their mom. Today has been one of the hardest days for me so far because I was told this morning the one thing I have feared my entire life....I have become my mother! Some of you may laugh, but I am completely devastated. My mom was not a mother. She didn't know how. I truly believe she does not know how to love. She ran away when things got hard and just left her kids behind and started over....I DON"T WANT TO BE MY MOM!!! And my dad.....he doesn't know how to show his love. He took us on extravagant vacations and bought us "stuff" to show us how he felt...I was unaware of this until I was much older. I know my dad loves me....so, on one side, my mom is unable to manage relationships of any kind and will run away when they get too hard, she is unable to problem solve or work through any kind of problems....and then, on the other side, my dad is unable to show his emotion AT ALL!! So how did I not see this coming?? Or did I?? I can't make a single decision on my own and don't know how to show my kids that I love them....I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MOM!! So what do I do? How do I fix it? I can already see ME in my kids....this hurts so much....I don't want them to feel like I do.....I feel alone, anxious, scared, hopeless, angry.....I don't know how to feel half the time, so I just get mad. I turn to anger for everything, not on purpose, but now it is controlling my life....I want love in my life again...I want to feel it and I want to give it....but how?
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Mr. & Mrs.
