I am pleased to announce......that I am still alive!!!
It has been almost 20 months since my last post. And in those 20 months, my life has crumbled out from under me and the pieces rearranged in such a mind-blowing way.
Most of the people able to read this already know a lot of what's gone on in the past year and a half, but very few know the mental torture and absolute hell I've dealt with in my own mind. Feelings that I pray and BEG God to protect my kids from ever knowing.
I'm not in the business of talking bad about people. We all make mistakes, some with more severe consequences than others, but I've made my fair share. So there will be no dirty details from me....
But I guess for those who are not aware, I am now living my life as a single mom. As the events unraveled on that late September day, the years of built up anger helped blind me from the heartache I would eventually feel as the week progressed. Surprisingly though, the heartache I felt wasn't for me, but for my kids. I come from a split home, so I know kids can survive and live a mostly normal life. But growing up with the dream of my own family someday, I knew I was going to do it differently. They were going to have all the things that I didn't have.....I'm pretty sure everyone says that, but I didn't think having both parents was too much to ask.
But the dream was real and, in my mind, was not unobtainable.
"How hard could it be?"....says the 18 year old little girl....
"He loves me."......yea, today. The idea of him not loving me forever
never. crossed. my. mind.
Man! I wish I could go back and slap some sense into her.
For me, commitment and faithfulness is easy. In my 18 year old little brain, I had no idea that this could be more difficult for other people. Totally naïve and overtaken by the butterfly-feelings......that eventually disappeared.
All of that to say, I have spent a LOT of time self-reflecting.
What could I have done differently?
What role did I play in it all?
Where did I mess up?
Worst conversations with myself EVER!!!
(but great for me when I opened up to some of my closest friends)
But after the first few weeks, routinely, my life really hadn't changed at all. I had been doing it by myself for years without ever really realizing it. God had been preparing me for my new role for a while and he had finally opened my eyes to it. It was amazing!! All the times I felt so worthless and insecure, He was taking care of me!! Little ole me!! He had paved the way....my own personal "Ah Ha!!" moment. (Glory obviously given all to God)
This realization, undoubtedly, changed everything for me. There was no questioning God's hand at work. You couldn't! There was just too many things He did for me. I felt myself becoming more confident, something I've lacked for some time now. I'm going to be okay.
And my kids? They are amazing. And from the circumstances, was another God-given gift. Divorce in the eyes of a child, can mean so many different things. Have so many different outcomes. But my kids? They're just......amazing. Not perfect, but amazing in their own unique ways.
Sooo.....the pieces in my life are starting to come back together. Stronger. Wiser. More Humble. and less naïve. The dream I had for my kids....gone. But I'm starting to figure out that God's dream for them is soooo much better. If I just continue to trust Him, I KNOW my life will be full.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
.......To Be Continued ;)
