It has been a while since my last post. I just can't get myself motivated to blog, or anything else these days.
To be completely honest, I feel like my life around me is falling apart....piece. by. piece.
Ever since we went to court it seems like everything is going wrong. And I have to say, I am pretty pissed off about it. My heart is as hard as it has ever been. I prayed and prayed, telling myself that we may not get what we want, but that it will be God's will....and I am just not feeling it. How could this possibly be God's will?! Where was He that day?!
How in the freakin world is this in Bailee's best interest?!
I have never truly given ANYTHING completely over to God, but I really felt I had with this....I had been preparing my heart for days, weeks, months!!! And then, BAM!!! The Devil won again!!! And is continuing to win daily in my life....
(Side note: I write this in confidence that my friends and family will be reading and KNOWING my heart)
No, I haven't turned my back on God, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't mad at Him. And to even say I'm mad at Him is just so wrong! Who am I to be mad at God? But it's true.....
I have fallen behind on my medication, which in effect, my entire family has noticed a tremendous difference in my daily demeanor.
I have started smoking again....and am so ANGRY at myself for giving in. I had gone soooo long without. Why did I need it now?! I was weak in the moment and now I'm right back where I started. I feel like a complete failure....
Why is this happening!!?? Am I being punished for some wrong in my life?! Does our daughter not deserve to be safe and protected?! Does my family not deserve to be happy AT ALL!?!
I would ask for prayers, but right now.....I just don't know if that would do any good....
I am so sorry that you are going through this really rough patch. Although I don't know exactly how you feel, I know that you will come out of this situation stronger. You are such a great person, don't you dare let Satan convince you otherwise. One of the verses I look to when I am feeling trapped and overwhelmed is Psalm 34:18, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." There have been several times that I have just read and re-read this verse to find some sort of comfort. God did not leave you on that day. He does have a plan for your family. It does not make sense (to any of us) at the moment, but I am confident that one day, we will look back on this post and understand His faithfulness completely. I pray for your family all the time, and will continue to do so. You are amazing. Don't let Satan win this battle. I know your heart, and it is one of gold. Love you.
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