I'm Back and Stronger than Before

I am pleased to announce......that I am still alive!!!

 

It has been almost 20 months since my last post. And in those 20 months, my life has crumbled out from under me and the pieces rearranged in such a mind-blowing way.

 

Most of the people able to read this already know a lot of what's gone on in the past year and a half, but very few know the mental torture and absolute hell I've dealt with in my own mind. Feelings that I pray and BEG  God to protect my kids from ever knowing.

 

I'm not in the business of talking bad about people. We all make mistakes, some with more severe consequences than others, but I've made my fair share.  So there will be no dirty details from me....

 

But I guess for those who are not aware, I am now living my life as a single mom. As the events unraveled on that late September day, the years of built up anger helped blind me from the heartache I would eventually feel as the week progressed. Surprisingly though, the heartache I felt wasn't for me, but for my kids. I come from a split home, so I know kids can survive and live a mostly normal life. But growing up with the dream of my own family someday, I knew I was going to do it differently. They were going to have all the things that I didn't have.....I'm pretty sure everyone says that, but I didn't think having both parents was too much to ask.

 But the dream was real and, in my mind, was not  unobtainable.

 

"How hard could it be?"....says the 18 year old little girl....

 

"He loves me."......yea, today. The idea of him not loving me forever

 

never. crossed. my. mind.

 

Man! I wish I could go back and slap some sense into her.

 

For me, commitment and faithfulness is easy. In my 18 year old little brain, I had no idea that this could be more difficult for other people. Totally naïve and overtaken by the butterfly-feelings......that eventually disappeared. 

 

All of that to say, I have spent a LOT of time self-reflecting.

 

What could I have done differently?

What role did I play in it all?

Where did I mess up?

 

Worst conversations with myself EVER!!!

(but great for me when I opened up to some of my closest friends)

 

But after the first few weeks, routinely, my life really hadn't changed at all. I had been doing it by myself for years without ever really realizing it. God had been preparing me for my new role for a while and he had finally opened my eyes to it. It was amazing!! All the times I felt so worthless and insecure, He was taking care of me!! Little ole me!! He had paved the way....my own personal "Ah Ha!!" moment. (Glory obviously given all to God)

 

This realization, undoubtedly, changed everything for me. There was no questioning God's hand at work. You couldn't! There was just too many things He did for me. I felt myself becoming more confident, something I've lacked for some time now. I'm going to be okay.

 

And my kids? They are amazing. And from the circumstances, was another God-given gift. Divorce in the eyes of a child, can mean so many different things. Have so many different outcomes. But my kids? They're just......amazing. Not perfect, but amazing in their own unique ways.

 

Sooo.....the pieces in my life are starting to come back together. Stronger. Wiser. More Humble. and less naïve. The dream I had for my kids....gone. But I'm starting to figure out that God's dream for them is soooo much better. If I just continue to trust Him, I KNOW my life will be full.

 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

.......To Be Continued ;)

Spring "Break"...Yea, Right!

For all of you moms out there, you'll understand when I say having a "week off" is an absolute joke. My relaxing week off with the kids for Spring Break has undoubtedly turned into a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of busy. We had no real plans to speak of and yet I have not had a chance to sit and relax. So I have had zero chance to blog this whole week. But the kids are gone now, so we'll see how far I get....

I don't even know if I've told you, but our house is officially for sale. 

 Halleluiah!!!!

 It's been on the market since last November. It's been really slow showing, but I have been totally ok with that. It's given us a chance to get into a routine of keeping the house clean. It is now March and I am still trying to figure out that routine. It is sooooo hard keeping the house "spotless". I have found a special place in my heart for a messy house. The time I spend trying to keep everything clean is ridiculous!! I am praising the good Lord that I don't have OCD! I am pretty sure either me or the kids would be dead by now if I did! Lol!! It is nice coming home to a clean house though. I've never really known what that feels like. I'm diggin' it :)

Everyone keeps asking us where we are looking to buy and our answer is, we don't know. We aren't even going to start looking until we've sold this house. It is so much harder to sell these days, I just don't want to find the perfect house and then have it yanked out from under us because this one didn't sell in time. I just pray that it sells soon because our oldest starts middle school in 5 months and I really want her to go to a different school.

Anyway, so our house is for sale. Tell all of your friends!!

Hmmmm.....

Ok, lets back up a bit. Christmas. 

We had a pretty good Christmas if I do say so myself. The kids finally got what they have been begging me for for years.....

 We are officially pet owners!!

 I have been dodging that bullet for as long as I could. I finally gave in, but with the condition that we would do it the cliche way. Every kids' dream is to open a box Christmas morning with a puppy and/or kitten inside. So, that's what we did. :)

They were so surprised! My dad video tapped the whole thing and I wish I could post that on here. Maybe I can get a clip of the video and post it on here sometime. It was a priceless moment. I think it scared Bubba though. Lol!! Instead of instinctively grabbing one of the animals, he stood up as if he were going to run away. Lol!! They love those babies so much.

It is so crazy how different dogs and cats really are. Charlie is sooooo needy. And Gracie is not. I love them both very much, but I am positive that I am more of a cat kinda girl....or maybe an "older dog" kinda girl. Lol!! Speaking of, we were actually dog-sitting for some friends of ours over the Christmas holiday and I think she was just as surprised to see those babies jump out of the box.

Meet our "older dog".

We have been keeping Chi Chi for our friends for quite a while now and she has definitely spoiled me to what I thought life would be like with a dog. It has been very different though. :)

OH!! I almost forgot! We have a big announcement to make....


Drum roll please........

 
 We have been Smoke-Free since January 1st!!!!!
Happy New Year's to us!!


And it has been soooooo hard. After the first couple of weeks, we were doing pretty good. We started watching a new show on Netflix recently and we've really gotten into it. So much so that we are staying up until midnight sometimes trying to watch another episode. How dumb is that?!? "Just one more. Just one more." Idiots! Anyway, all they do on this show, I swear, is SMOKE!! At first I thought it was just me. So I didn't want to say anything thinking I was just being weak. But last week, Kyle is the one that pointed out how much they smoked and how much he had been craving one lately too. So did we stop watching it to keep us from relapsing? Of course not! Instead, we are staying up later trying to finish all of the episodes as fast as we can.

STUPID. STUPID. STUPID!!!!!

We will be done with the show tonight, thank goodness. But I'm sure the desire to smoke isn't going to just disappear. Prayers for our strength would be much appreciated. :)



Ummmmm.......well, I think I am going to stop there. My kids are home and making it difficult to get much more accomplished.

So, hopefully I will talk again soon :)

Hi :)

I just thought I would take the time to check in and say, 

 
"I AM STILL ALIVE!!!"

 

It has been crazy busy, and sometimes just crazy, over here. The amount of which I am behind is soooo overwhelming, I just can't make myself sit down and type. 

It is finally spring break now, so I am hoping to do some major catching up :)

But until then, I leave  you with this....