Skeletons

I have to take an intermission from my fairy tale life to be real for a minute......

 

 

When I first started this blog, I talked about the "bad days" that I would have....well, I'm having one of those. And all of these thoughts are going through my mind a hundred miles an hour, and I just need to....sort them out.....

 

 

So.....I have mood swings. Completely shocked, I'm sure.

I mean, really. I'm a classic case for mood swings.

I am a woman.

I have children.

I have a history of hormone imbalance.

I have children.

Irregular cycles. 

I have children.

Extreme anxiety.....did I mention I have children?

 

Haha. Just kidding.

 

The sad truth is, for a long time, I blamed the stresses of having kids for the cause of these mood swings. Really, I truly felt like I was completely validated by the cards that were stacked against me.

 

Married young. Financially unsuccessful. Four kids. Working mom.

 

Every day was considered a success when everyone went to bed still breathing. I lived my life in Survival Mode for a very long time...and assumed that as the kids got older, things would get easier.

But they didn't.....they progressively got worse.

My problem finally revealed itself to me, so I went to the doctor.

Long, boring story short....I got medicated. When I thought I was getting mentally healthier, I was actually just getting better at suppressing my feelings.

Fast forward to today....


I married a great man. Not just a good man...a GREAT one. I know that I am a lucky lady. More blessed by him than I will ever deserve.

And I have never wanted to be dead more than I did this morning.

Who feels like that?!? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!!!!
But I am failing him as his wife. And to know that, makes me want to not even live anymore. He deserves so much better than me.

Old skeleton's are coming out. Dammit!!!

Why?! Why won't they just go away??

The Devil is winning again.

I looked at him this morning as he was leaving for work thinking, "I wonder if this is the last time I will ever see him again"....secretly hoping a semi would just hit me on my way to work.

God has given me the greatest gift.....and I'm just sitting over here f***ing it up. Why does He even waste His gifts on me?

My own worst enemy. That's what I am.

I know that none of these feelings are rational at all, but....it doesn't make me feel them any less.


WAKE THE HELL UP, WOMAN!!! Shake those demons!!

Or you're going to loose everything.....