I guess I am just having one of those days. I don't have them often, praise the Lord, but when they come...they are sooo hard.
I am having a "I feel completely worthless" kind of day...I'm not a very good wife, I'm not a good mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, grand daughter, niece, child of God...do they have pills for that? Probably not....I can't cook and can't keep a clean house. I'm not good at anything and work at a daycare because I was irresponsible enough to have so many children and no education. I know my husband would miss me only because he would have more responsibilities, I know my kids would miss me only because they need someone to take them places, I know my boss would miss me only because she would have to find someone else to hire and kiss her butt...my time at the daycare is almost over and I am thinking about where I will go...I have no skills and no certifications for ANYTHING!! I am almost 28 and what do I have to show for it?! I know I have a great husband and four wonderful kids, but if I didn't have those things....who would I be? I am selfish, lazy and completely insecure. I know God loves me because the Bible tells me so, but sometimes I feel like it is only because He has to, not because He wants to. I feel like I have no purpose here. What is my calling? All of my friends have passion in what they have been called to do in their life...Am I just oblivious to what I have been called to do or ignored God in some way? I have passion for nothing and am not ambitious in any way. I am in survival mode and just trying to get through the day...
Don't misunderstand anything I have said here. I am not suicidal in any way and I don't feel this way very often. I just feel like I need to record these feelings when they do because I don't feel like they are normal...I am just hoping and believing that tomorrow will be a better day...
I have to admit, when I read this it made me smile. Not because I agree w/ a single word that you've said, but because I've had days where I've thought almost the exact same things about myself!
ReplyDeleteI've read your post twice, and I can say with complete honesty, I don't believe that a single statement you've made is accurate!
You are an AMAZING mother. I've dealt with lots of parents throughout my life (remember, I used to work with kids), and I've only met a handful that are as devoted to their families as you are. Of course you have days where you just don't want to deal with them, everyone does, but the important thing is that you always put them before yourself. And LAZY??? When on earth do you have time to be lazy??? You're one of the most active people I've ever met! I know that it's difficult to know who you are aside from your job and family, and I think that's perfectly normal. When you spend so much time putting others before yourself, you begin to forget who YOU are. But I can tell you're figuring it out. This blog is proof of that. I think with every post you will discover more and more about yourself. Through your projects and crafts you're developing an identity. After a while, you'll know exactly who you are, and what a tremendous impact you've had.
And for the record, if anything were to happen to you, I would be devastated. I can't tell you how many times I've thanked God for blessing me with a sister-in-law like you. I was raised as an only child, and can't even begin to tell you how much our relationship means to me, and how special is it!!! Every phone call, every message, and every visit is an unbelievable blessing! For the first time in my life I feel like I have a full and complete family, and that means the world to me (even if we are a bit dysfunctional!)
When days like this hit, remember that it's the devil's voice that whispering in your ear, not Gods. Give him a good thump on the nose followed by a swift kick in the butt and send him on this way like the annoying rodent he is!!!!! You are a beautiful, imaginative, creative, loving, responsible woman. Don't let anyone cause you even a moment of doubt!