Skeletons

I have to take an intermission from my fairy tale life to be real for a minute......

 

 

When I first started this blog, I talked about the "bad days" that I would have....well, I'm having one of those. And all of these thoughts are going through my mind a hundred miles an hour, and I just need to....sort them out.....

 

 

So.....I have mood swings. Completely shocked, I'm sure.

I mean, really. I'm a classic case for mood swings.

I am a woman.

I have children.

I have a history of hormone imbalance.

I have children.

Irregular cycles. 

I have children.

Extreme anxiety.....did I mention I have children?

 

Haha. Just kidding.

 

The sad truth is, for a long time, I blamed the stresses of having kids for the cause of these mood swings. Really, I truly felt like I was completely validated by the cards that were stacked against me.

 

Married young. Financially unsuccessful. Four kids. Working mom.

 

Every day was considered a success when everyone went to bed still breathing. I lived my life in Survival Mode for a very long time...and assumed that as the kids got older, things would get easier.

But they didn't.....they progressively got worse.

My problem finally revealed itself to me, so I went to the doctor.

Long, boring story short....I got medicated. When I thought I was getting mentally healthier, I was actually just getting better at suppressing my feelings.

Fast forward to today....


I married a great man. Not just a good man...a GREAT one. I know that I am a lucky lady. More blessed by him than I will ever deserve.

And I have never wanted to be dead more than I did this morning.

Who feels like that?!? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!!!!
But I am failing him as his wife. And to know that, makes me want to not even live anymore. He deserves so much better than me.

Old skeleton's are coming out. Dammit!!!

Why?! Why won't they just go away??

The Devil is winning again.

I looked at him this morning as he was leaving for work thinking, "I wonder if this is the last time I will ever see him again"....secretly hoping a semi would just hit me on my way to work.

God has given me the greatest gift.....and I'm just sitting over here f***ing it up. Why does He even waste His gifts on me?

My own worst enemy. That's what I am.

I know that none of these feelings are rational at all, but....it doesn't make me feel them any less.


WAKE THE HELL UP, WOMAN!!! Shake those demons!!

Or you're going to loose everything.....



Dreams Do Come True

Where do I even begin?

Last time I posted, my life was on an upward climb.......more rapidly than anticipated, but no complaints here.

It's been almost a year since my last update. The time has flown by and I did my best not to blink and miss it.
Just so much joy.....

And now?

My life is full of more blessings than I could ever begin to count. But lets start with the most obvious....LOPEZ!!!!

Yep!! I am a married woman!!

Who?? What?? When?? Where?? Why?? How??

Well, here's the answer to all.....mostly :)

Joe.

MY   Joe.

Our first picture together May 2014.

First of many selfies that would be taken....

Laughing....such a simple concept. I mean, most of us do it everyday. You know, hearing a dumb joke from a co-worker (or close family friend, uh-hum...dick archer), or giggling at something silly your kids did or even when someone gives you a compliment you weren't expecting (maybe I'm the only one that does that). But that's not the kind of laughing I'm talking about.

I'm talking about laughing so hard you snort because you've lost all control to breathe like a normal human being. You are now a pig and can do nothing but snort louder and more violently because you can NOT stop the insanity.

Like laughing so hard you cry. Not cry like a glistening tear rolling down your check as you gently chuckle...umm, no. I'm talking ugly! Tears pouring, makeup running, snot blowing, full blown belly laughs that double you over in pain from your stomach muscles cramping. Even your face feels permanently disfigured...LAUGHING!!
Pure joy and laughter, because you cannot have one without the other.

Something my life has been lacking.

But not anymore! Thank you, Lord!!!

There is laughter in our house!!

Ok, so back to the whole "I'm married" thing.

May 12th 2014.

My life changed that day. Little did I know I had just met the man I would later call my husband.

So, we met on Christian Mingle. Yep. The internet. I've never been a huge fan of the internet dating scene. Just soooo many horror stories. And in my mind, that wasn't a romantic way to meet someone. But who am I kidding? I didn't need romance. Not after the roller coaster from hell I'd been on.....

 I still had my reservations about it though, for several reasons.

First, I trust people waaaaayyyy to easily. There are some sick freaks out there!! Yes, even on a Christian dating site. And I knew that. Which is why I had to be very careful. I didn't want to end up on the news as a missing person only to turn up 10 years later after being discovered chained up in someone's basement...no.

Second, "Hello. My name is Mary and I am a doormat". "Jump off of a bridge? Ok."
I was really trying to find myself and I didn't want to wake up one day and realize I was right back where I started.

Third, like I said before. It doesn't make for a very romantic story....I'm not completely unrealistic, but, selfishly, I still want the fairy tale.

And quite frankly, I had very little faith that I would find anyone with any sort of moral value. It's a show! The internet is just a show. A way to hide behind a computer and make up a life that is perfect. Everything you've ever dreamed of...and once you've emotionally invested, the ugly truth shows its face. And none of that interested me.

But I'm still a sucker for the fairy tale. And decided, despite my better judgment, I'd see what all the fuss was about.

Approximately a month.

That's how long I browsed before he found me. And even then, it took me a while to decide whether or not I would respond to him.

I did. Duh.

We talked back and forth for about a week before we decided to meet.

Talk about Ner.Vous!! I was shaking like a leaf when he came to pick me up. Yep. You heard me. Little Ms. I Trust Everyone just gave a stranger her address. What?! Pull your head out girl!! Sheesh! That should be on Internet Dating 101, but I........but nothing. No excuse. That was just stupid. Period. Luckily, once again, God had my back. Instead of teaching me a lesson on common sense with a sick nut, he gave me a free pass with a charming and handsome cowboy.

I loved our first date. It was perfect.

Dinner at Red Lobster. Putt putt at Sports World in the middle of the Dust Bowl and then drinks at 7 Bar & Grill. The conversation was great! No awkward silence (like all of us introverts worry about).
Just fun.

Made our relationship official (on FB of course) on August 1st, 2014

at the play Texas in Palo Duro Canyon

His story is pretty similar to mine, which I love because he knows exactly how I feel sometimes. He's already been there and done that. So there's no guessing when a situation pops up. We both understand each other. Finally! Someone who understands me...mostly. He already knows what my future (with kids) holds. The struggles, the expense, the utter chaos!!!....and he picked me anyway!! Some day, when my kids are parents themselves (when they are graduated from college, in their 30's and married....in that order!!!), my kids will truly appreciate the man he is to them and for them.

He has three kids too....we are the Brady Bunch!!!!

Two sons and a daughter, which makes three of each....like the Brady Bunch. ;)

I haven't had the chance to get to know his daughter since she doesn't live here, but those boys? They are something else. I've never been more impressed with two "juvenile delinquents"...as my dad would call them. They are the most polite, respectful and, mostly, responsible young men that I have come across in a long time. A true representation of a great daddy. And of course, my son is their biggest fan.

A very proud daddy

Thanksgiving 2014


Being his girlfriend.........best time of my life!!
From the phone calls that lasted until early morning hours, the date nights, the last minute mini weekend trips, to the times just sitting on the couch watching a movie.....the BUTTERFLIES!! All of it was just perfect. I don't know if I will ever be able to accurately express to him how much I love him. But I have a long time to try....the rest of my life to be exact. ;)

I could go on and on and on and on........and will in a future post (we haven't even gotten to the proposal yet :)......but what it boils down to is, he is my gift from God and our lives have been blessed 100% by this man.







I'm Back and Stronger than Before

I am pleased to announce......that I am still alive!!!

 

It has been almost 20 months since my last post. And in those 20 months, my life has crumbled out from under me and the pieces rearranged in such a mind-blowing way.

 

Most of the people able to read this already know a lot of what's gone on in the past year and a half, but very few know the mental torture and absolute hell I've dealt with in my own mind. Feelings that I pray and BEG  God to protect my kids from ever knowing.

 

I'm not in the business of talking bad about people. We all make mistakes, some with more severe consequences than others, but I've made my fair share.  So there will be no dirty details from me....

 

But I guess for those who are not aware, I am now living my life as a single mom. As the events unraveled on that late September day, the years of built up anger helped blind me from the heartache I would eventually feel as the week progressed. Surprisingly though, the heartache I felt wasn't for me, but for my kids. I come from a split home, so I know kids can survive and live a mostly normal life. But growing up with the dream of my own family someday, I knew I was going to do it differently. They were going to have all the things that I didn't have.....I'm pretty sure everyone says that, but I didn't think having both parents was too much to ask.

 But the dream was real and, in my mind, was not  unobtainable.

 

"How hard could it be?"....says the 18 year old little girl....

 

"He loves me."......yea, today. The idea of him not loving me forever

 

never. crossed. my. mind.

 

Man! I wish I could go back and slap some sense into her.

 

For me, commitment and faithfulness is easy. In my 18 year old little brain, I had no idea that this could be more difficult for other people. Totally naïve and overtaken by the butterfly-feelings......that eventually disappeared. 

 

All of that to say, I have spent a LOT of time self-reflecting.

 

What could I have done differently?

What role did I play in it all?

Where did I mess up?

 

Worst conversations with myself EVER!!!

(but great for me when I opened up to some of my closest friends)

 

But after the first few weeks, routinely, my life really hadn't changed at all. I had been doing it by myself for years without ever really realizing it. God had been preparing me for my new role for a while and he had finally opened my eyes to it. It was amazing!! All the times I felt so worthless and insecure, He was taking care of me!! Little ole me!! He had paved the way....my own personal "Ah Ha!!" moment. (Glory obviously given all to God)

 

This realization, undoubtedly, changed everything for me. There was no questioning God's hand at work. You couldn't! There was just too many things He did for me. I felt myself becoming more confident, something I've lacked for some time now. I'm going to be okay.

 

And my kids? They are amazing. And from the circumstances, was another God-given gift. Divorce in the eyes of a child, can mean so many different things. Have so many different outcomes. But my kids? They're just......amazing. Not perfect, but amazing in their own unique ways.

 

Sooo.....the pieces in my life are starting to come back together. Stronger. Wiser. More Humble. and less naïve. The dream I had for my kids....gone. But I'm starting to figure out that God's dream for them is soooo much better. If I just continue to trust Him, I KNOW my life will be full.

 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

.......To Be Continued ;)